Have you ever lost track of time?
No. I don't mean sitting in your bed watching YouTube on a Sunday afternoon, sippin' your coffee - and suddenly it's 7pm.
I mean losing weeks at a time. You're still waking up ever day. Taking your shower. Going to work. Eating dinner. Going to bed. But it's not... You. It's an autopilot that keeps your blood flowing and your limbs moving without your brain ever registering what's going on. You're stuck in a loop where occasionally you'll gain a glimpse of a coherent thought and realize 'Wow, what did I do yesterday? I can't remember...' then go back into a mindless stooper for days.
THAT'S what I mean by losing time. And that... has been my life for months.
I truly don't remember when it started. Maybe it was the second week after she left me. Maybe it was when I moved back into my old room in my dads house. I don't know. All I know is I've spent months living...
... but not being alive.
Everything I thought I wanted, I was gaining. I got my dream job. People, while they didn't like me they slowly learned that I was a true threat in that ring - and that I had dedicated my life to a business that literally saved it. And I was doing damn good, too. For the first time in my life, my passion payed off.
And yet - when the cameras turned off and I had to live the rest of my life... that is what I lost. I lost sence of reality. I forgot that while setting goals and achieving them is an important part of life - you can't lose sight of the things you already have. And I did. I lost sight of my family. I lost sight of my girlfriend - the only fucking person who had ever seen anything more than a dirt bag screw up within me. And most importantly, I lost myself. Then as the cycle goes, the wheel turns. The deeper you get into the quick sand and the harder you fight it, the faster it consumes you and before I knew it... I lost it all. A few years ago I had everything I wanted except a spot in this business... and when the smoke settled? That's all I had. A spot on the card and my name on a contract.
But then. I... I found friends. In a world where you can't trust anybody because you are always looked at as a threat to their spot - I formed a true, meaningful bond with those who had like minds to myself. I spent nights sitting in a dark empty bedroom with nothing but myself and my fucking dog, staring into the corner of the room and wondering why the hell I was even trying anymore. What was the point? But they gave me a point. They gave me strength. They gave me a second chance at life.
So yeah... were the warning signs there? The red flags? Absolutely. But put yourself in my shoes for a moment and ask yourself... Would you have done anything different? Here I was a broken shell or a man who just wanted for once in his fucking life to be more than a name one a schedule and a punch on a time clock. I wanted to do something more than wake up and wait for night time so I could go to sleep and leave this world again. I wanted something, ANYTHING to just feel... alive. And you know who understood that?
Jonathan Sanders.
That's what originally drew me to him, he got it. He understood how miserable this existence truly can be at times, and yeah... he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Jonathan Sanders was the closest thing to a brother I've ever had in my life and I'm not afraid to say - I loved Jonathan Sanders more than most of my burn out family members.
So here's the thing Jonathan. I get why you did it. I really do. It's taken me a long time to step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective - but yeah. I get it. You found a man who was beaten down and you helped him up, you found a man who was down in the dirt and you helped dust him off... you found a man who was broken and you helped fix him. But you didn't just fix me Jonathan. You molded me into the sick, sadistic demon that you wanted me to be to do your biding. And what hurts about that man is all you had to do was level with me. I'm pretty unwell in the head, and if you wanted me to go out there and hurt people? All ya had to do was ask.
But using... using her against me? To keep me angry? That's low. Coming from a man who I know will stoop to anything to get what they want, I don't know why I thought it'd be different but I did. And THAT'S what kills me. You made me believe in you, just like you made the rest of ANTITHESIS believe in you, just like you made HER believe you. And believe you over me. So yeah, I get why you did what you did.
But I don't forgive you.
I'll never forgive you, Jonathan. Because while the rest of the world looks at you as this unstable mastermind who is to be feared, I've seen what you truly are.
You're small. You're insignificant. You're just like me, a man who wants to be something more so you've built this fantasy world where you're some tortured soul who has the right to control others because they've always controlled him. Well I hope you're enjoying your little world you've built Jonathan... because now that I'm done playing around with the others you've poisoned in ANTITHESIS and finally have you within my grasp? Your whole fucking world is going to come crashing down.
You destroyed my life Jonathan. You took everything from me. All to make yourself feel big for once in your pathetic life. And it is my honor and pleasure to tell you this, brother. You'll never be big. You'll never be important. You'll always be just another cog in the wheel just like me and just like everyone else. Yeah, life is unfair and life fucking sucks. But because of the choices you've made?
You're life is about to suck a whole hell of a lot more. I don't give a shit about a win at Demons Run. I truly don't. All I care about is simple.
You took everything that I have except for the breath in my lungs.
And that was a mistake. Because now?
I'm going to take yours.
See you soon, brother.