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Post by Mike Hawk on Apr 24, 2022 19:29:40 GMT -5
Act 1
Scene 1: Canada: 1. Everyone Else: 0.
*The scene begins on a large stage. A crowd has gathered, and a man walks on stage. It’s Mike Hawk, the “President of Pro Wrestling”, except he’s decked out in extremely patriotic Canadian clothing, like a living embodiment of the Canadian flag, clad head to toe in red and white, as well as a fake beard that looks a lot like that of a bit of a douche. He’s also wearing a headset like they use at TED.*
Mike: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Great Canadian auditorium.
*The crowd cheers.*
Mike: I’m Douglas Smith, and I ride Devons for a living. I also work at that new Canadian/Greek place down on third. That’s right, I’m the 'Canadian Gyro' Devon Rider. And I want to talk to you today about the United States.
*The audience is silent.*
Mike: …Of America.
*The audience boos.*
Mike: I know, I know, but hear me out. I wanted to come here today to explain that the US is terrible. And I’ll shine a light on why.
*He walks over to a big wooden table with a large letter Y on it. He pulls out a flashlight and points it at the Y, before turning to the audience.*
Mike: And I’ll also explain my point. See, the USA is terrible because it has guns. We also have guns, but we don’t use them.
*The crowd cheers*
Mike: Our guns are only for aesthetic purposes!
*The crowd’s cheers get louder.*
Mike: We have a really low crime rate, and even though our treatment of indiginous people isn’t the best, we’re working on it!
*The crowd goes wild.*
Mike: Y’know who was American? Hitler!
*The crowd gasps.*
Mike: I know! And he had a quest: he wanted to start 9/11, but fortunately he couldn’t get it in motion due to the state of aircrafts at the time. But then in 2001, another American called Osama Bin Laden…
*The crowd gasps again*
Mike: Decided to take up Hitler’s work, and ran 2 planes into the World Trade Center. America is responsible for the two greatest tragedies in history.
*He holds up 3 fingers, then realizes he’s doing so and uses the other hand to put one of the fingers down.*
Mike: Take a look at this pie chart!
*The chart is 90% red and 10% blue, with the red saying "communism" and the blue saying "also communism". The audience screams in blind, furious loyalty.*
Mike: Thank you all for coming to my TED talk. I’m selling “Fuck America” t-shirts in the lobby.
*He walks off-stage to a disturbingly loud amount of applause.*
Scene 2: Lex E. Dangerously
*Fade in on an outdoors scene. A didgeridoo plays in the background as the camera pans around a desert. Eventually the camera focuses on Mike Hawk in a red wig, poking a scorpion with a stick.*
Mike: Oy! Oy! Do somethin’, ya cunt!
*He speaks in a heavy Australian accent.*
Mike: Do something! You're a scorpion, for fuck sake!
*Words appear on screen that say “I assume this is what all Australian people do.” Soon another version of Hawk runs in, this one wearing a different wig. This one’s purple, for some fucking reason.*
Other Mike: Alexis! Alexis!
Mike: What is it, Jenn?
Other Mike: I found a letter!
Mike: B?
Other Mike: What?
Mike: Is the letter B? Thank god, he's been missing for weeks.
Other Mike: No, the letter’s…
Mike: Q?
Other Mike: Let me finish. It’s right here, and it’s from you-know-who!
Mike: Voldemort!?
Other Mike: No, no, the other you-know-who!
*Mike gasps.*
Mike: I know who that is!
Other Mike: Exactly, as do I.
Mike: No need to say it, though.
Other Mike: No, why would we?
Mike: Can you read me the letter?
Other Mike: Yeah, of course.
*He pulls out the letter and goes to read it, and the camera freeze-frames. A narrator speaks over the scene.*
Narrator: Find out what the letter says in the next episode of…
*A title displays on-screen.*
Narrator: The life of a random Australian!
Act 2
*The camera cuts to the CN Tower. A tall, majestic building that single-handedly makes Toronto’s skyline distinctive from most others. The camera then zooms out to show the guy staring at it from a distance. Obviously it’s Mike Hawk, haven’t you been paying attention to the last 2 parts? He’s wearing a shirt that says “Us, Eh?”, as well as some blue jeans and running shoes. He sighs, relaxed.*
Mike: Ahh… the CN Tower. The Canadian National Tower. The Chris & Nathan Tower. The… Chicken Nugget Tower… I don’t actually know what the CN stands for.
*He starts walking.*
Mike: But I know what the tower stands for. It stands for a great nation. A nation that one of my opponents tonight comes from. But, he’s too easy a target, so let’s focus on the other one first.
*As he walks down the street, he intentionally pushes past people, even those who weren’t in his way to begin with.*
Mike: Alexis Makarios… what business do you have taking on me? I mean, you started in PWSi, which sounds like the shitty mobile port, and you’re just now at the level I’m at in Apex by being here, and only here, for just over a year. I’m quite the rising star. Yes, Mike Hawk has risen quite a lot in the past year. And if you try to take Mike Hawk, you'll be in for an unpleasant surprise.
*Looking around at the stores around him, Hawk wanders into an ice cream store.*
Mike: And I actually won my match last week - I know, big shock. Fuck me, right? I say I'm on a losing streak and then I win. That's like winning the lottery after complaining about how horribly unlucky you are. Anyhow, my point is, I’m riding high on that victory. Mike Hawk is higher than he's ever been. Which means you, Lexi? You won’t stand a goddamn chance. You and your… shrimp on the barbie, and your… Kangaroo Jack…
*He turns to the ice cream man.*
Mike: One scoop of chocolate, please.
*He turns back to the camera.*
Mike: Oh yeah, that’s another thing that makes me better than you; my country. See, Macarena Stevens, Australia’s pretty great, but... your only celebrity's a dead guy. Plus, I don’t recall any time in the last 5 years where the majority of my country was actively on fire.
*He pauses for a moment.*
Mike: …Okay, Alberta was on fire, but even still… BC was also on fire for a while, but… hey, that’s a fifth of the country, at best!
*He walks out of the store, leaving the befuddled ice cream man holding out a cone with chocolate ice cream on it, melting onto his hand. Hawk, meanwhile, gets outside the store and keeps going.*
Mike: They also say you’ve got an anger management problem. And frankly, I don’t blame you. That show sucked and Charlie Sheen’s an asshole.
*He stops outside, seeing a little kid who has ice cream.*
Mike: Hey, little guy! What flavour have you got there?
Boy: Mint chocolate chip.
Mike: Aw, isn't that sweet.
*He knocks the ice cream to the ground, pointing at it as he talks, then at the kid.*
Mike: FUCK YOUR ICE CREAM, LIFE IS CRUEL!
*He turns back to the camera, leaving the boy flabbergasted.*
Mike: Seriously, though, you’ve got a bit of an anger problem. Congratulations, you’re as threatening as Squidward. Seriously, you call yourself the Aussie firecracker, but you’re barely a sparkler. And tonight, you’re gonna be extinguished.
*He keeps walking, finally stopping at a subway station.*
Mike: And one last thing about you before I move on to Justin Trud-oh no. You’ve made your dating preferences clear. You apparently like going for a Younger man.
*He grins at his bad joke.*
Mike: Now then, onto you, you Bleeding Heart Leftist Pinko Fuckboi. I mean… I don’t even need to say anything. You’re one note. You’ve got nothing. You're out of ammo like an 8-year-old playing Call of Duty. Your whole shtick is “look at how great Canada is compared to the states”, but both of your opponents come from countries that are better than the states.
*A guy walks to the stairs and Hawk trips him, causing him to comically scream as he falls down the stairs.*
Mike: And yes, we could have a wet napkin in charge of our country and still do a better job than the US, but nobody gives a fuck, they just wanna see two guys punch each other’s faces in, and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen tonight.
*He walks down the stairs into the underground, getting on the first subway car he can, sitting down on top of someone as he rides.*
Mike: And you know something? Hot take alert: I think Richard is the better Rider. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. What are you gonna do, play The Barenaked Ladies at me? I mean, at least Richard Rider has won SOME matches. At least Dick Rider’s losses haven’t impacted his ONE thing. Which in his case is ‘terrible sunglasses’. Because it’s definitely not acting.
*The person he’s sitting on taps him on the shoulder.*
Person: Sir?
Mike: Honestly, Ryder of the Valkyries, the best thing about you is your hot-ass wife. Like, how did someone so beautiful, on the inside and out, get stuck with you? A guy who refuses to use weapons because of his tender Canadian sensibilities, yet also preaches a “holier than thou”, “Americans are the devil” message? A guy who seems like he'd adopt a wasp if it ever got in his house? A guy who’d post a caps-lock message on a YouTube Mario compilation video complaining about Nagasaki?
*The subway train comes to a stop and Hawk gets off.*
Mike: So, whether Canadian, Australian, Greek, or sporting whatever that tacky-ass red coat is, my opponents don’t stand a Democrat’s chance in Texas of beating me tonight. See, Devon? I can do it too.
*He approaches a large building, then stops.*
Mike: God dammit! This is the wrong venue!
*He storms off, grumbling to himself about how he ‘got the wrong directions’ and ‘they said the show was here tonight’ and ‘I didn’t read it but I assumed from context' and 'Ow fuck who put that tree there'. The camera slowly fades.*
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Post by Alexis Makarios on Apr 24, 2022 22:53:01 GMT -5
Scene One: Sister Time Where: A local movie theater When: wednesday night
(The scene opens up outside of a local movie theater. It’s early evening, but the sun is still up. The theater seems pretty empty, but it’s a wednesday night so that’s to be expected. Walking towards the front doors was the pair of Alexis Makarios and Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez. The two were laughing and talking.)
Alexis Makarios: I’m so glad we had a chance to spend some one on one time.
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Me too. I’ve been so stressed out and worried about a lot of things lately… it’ll be nice to just sit back, enjoy some movie theater popcorn…
Alexis Makarios: With extra butter!
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Naturally. And just enjoy a movie and have a good 2 hours without stress.
Alexis Makarios: I feel that. With Destiny coming soon, and having such a huge fight on my hands… and then with everything Heather is doing…
(Jenn rolled her eyes at the mere mention of Heather Haze)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Don’t ruin my evening by bringing up that… bitch
Alexis Makarios: Sorry… She’s never been this bad…
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Lexiiiiiiii……..
Alexis Makarios: Sorrrrrrrrrrry……..
(They get to the door and stop. Jenn turns towards Alexis.)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I didn’t want to say this, but you have always had blinders as far as she is concerned. Maybe because you don't want to see just how far down the rabbit hole YOU were with her. I don’t know. But she has ALWAYS been this bad. Especially where you were involved. Why do you think we kept our distance at one point?
(Alexis lets out a sigh)
Alexis Makarios: But I mean… if I can come back… can’t she?
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I don't think she can. Remember... “you know”... and she's gotten worse. Same thing will happen to haze. You can't save everyone. Not even superman could save Haze at this point. You are two very separate people. You were suffering from a mental illness. You were not exactly in complete control. Behind your troubles was still a good hearted woman, my sister. Behind her is just… a shit human being.
(Jenn reached out and put her hand on Alexis’s arm)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Now… enough of this nonsense… let’s go get our tickets, ok? I’m DYING to see this movie. But, since you brought down my excitement a bit… you’re paying.
(Alexis sighed but smiled softly)
Alexis Makarios: Fiiiiiiiiine… I don’t agree 100% with your assessment there but, let’s go.
(They go inside and get two tickets, then go wait in the line for popcorn.)
Alexis Makarios: Say… have you heard anything about the adoption?
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Not yet. Everything is filed, signed, the whole 9 yards. Just waiting for the courts to approve it and stamp it into reality. Which, they said could take as long as 30 business days. Apparently, it’s not a “high priority” because no “child is in imminent danger”. Which… sucks but…
Alexis Makarios: You’ve waited this long, 30 business days is no big deal.
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I know, and I know the adoption process can take a while, it did with Gracie. Doesn’t mean i’m not anxious and nervous.
Alexis Makarios: I know… I can’t wait for you to be an official Makarios. Jennifer Makarios! I love it so much.
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I do too, but I’m thinking maybe Jennifer Makarios-Lopez. Ya know, honor Jorge.
(A small tear formed in the corner of Alexis’s eye at the mention of the late Jorge Lopez. She smiled a little bit as they moved to the front of the line)
Alexis Makarios: I think it’s perfect. 2 large popcorns and 2 large sodas, please.
(The person rings it up and Alexis pays, takes in a deep breath, and turns back to Jenn.)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Youok?
Alexis Makarios: Yeah… just a lot on my mind. I know I requested to be defending in a Triple Threat at Destiny because, frankly, they both deserve it. And I requested to be in a Triple Threat this week to get in the right mind frame but…
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: But you really could use Jorge’s voice telling you that you got it, and that you need to focus, right?
Alexis Makarios: EXACTLY!
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I feel the same way. Alot.
Alexis Makarios: So what do you do? Ya know, when you just really need to hear that from him?
(The guy handed them their popcorn and sodas and they picked them up and walked towards the theater.)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I just… replay old conversations with him in my head. And try to think of what HE would tell me. Sometimes, I talk to Eddie… or Gracie… but those two are doing who knows what right now.
Alexis Makarios: I KNOW!!! What is UP with them?
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: I wish I could tell you. Neither is really telling me anything.
Alexis Makarios: Do I gotta go kick some sense into both of them?
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: No, I think it’s just… Eddie is accepting that his career is almost at an end. And so is Gracie. And she wants her dream match. Against her dad, while he was in his prime. She is just trying to get him into that mindframe I think.
Alexis Makarios: As someone who has wrestled both of them… I get it. But still… did she have to go about it that way?
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: Was there any other way to get Eddie’s ass in gear?
(Alexis laughed as they found their seats and sat down.)
Alexis Makarios: Valid point… I’m glad we got to get out and chat. We should do this more often… sis…
(Alexis and Jenn both smiled.)
Jennifer Carpenter-Lopez: That we should, sis…
(The lights faded as the previews to the show began.)
Scene Two: Triple Threat? More like Easy Win. Where: outside the arena When: Unknown
(The scene opens up outside the Crypto.com arena in LA. It was mid morning, the sun was shining brightly. A slight breeze swept across the grass, swaying the tree branches in the area slightly. Standing in front of the doors to the arena was Alexis Makarios. Her United Title resting perfectly around her waist. Her hair was down in gentle waves, blowing slightly in the breeze. She was wearing jean shorts that were a little tattered across the bottom, which rested just slightly past her hips. Her shirt was a plain white spaghetti strap tank, to keep cool in the blazing LA heat. The cameras moved in so that she was closer to the screen.)
Alexis Makarios: Ya know, it’s kind of a funny thing to think about Destiny. And how things have played out. My first Destiny in PWS:APEX, back in 2019, I walked into a Fatal Four way for the World Title. And guess what? I walked out with that title as the very first PWS:APEX World Champion. 2020, just a year later, I went into a match with one of my dearest friends, David Shane. I walked out of there better than when I entered. Last year? 2021 I went in defending my Tag Team Titles with Heather against Dan and Audrey. Didn’t work out so well for us. And this year… I go in as the United Champion, as the first Triple Crown Champion, to defend in a Triple Threat match against 2 of the most talented and skilled ladies in this company. So I went to Star and Josiah and asked them for something big to help me get into the right frame of mind for Destiny. I asked for a Triple Threat this week. And boy oh boy did they give it to me.
(She tucked some stray hair behind her ears)
Alexis Makarios: I asked for a Triple Threat… I get two of the biggest mouthpieces in the company in Devon Ryder and Mike Hawk.
(She chuckled a little bit saying his name, as she said it a little too fast and we ALL know exactly what it sounded like.)
Alexis Makarios: Granted, neither of them are exactly some of the brightest bulbs in the knife drawer. But, they can run their mouths like no ones business. Ryder is this strange little Canadian kid with an ego the size of the damn country! Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against Canada… except that they gave us the likes of Justin Beiber and the wrong kind of bacon… but hey to each their own. See, I don’t really give two shits about Devon Ryder, what he does, what he thinks of me, or anything for that matter. And not because of where he is from, because let’s face it, I’m not an American myself. But that doesn’t matter because when I get in the ring with the idiot, I’m gonna do what every person in the back has been wanting to do to the poor bastard for MONTHS! And that’s beat the shit out of him. And if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll just let it happen.
(She lets out a big of a sigh as she rests her hands on the title around her waist.)
Alexis Makarios: You see this title? I won it off one of the best. I walked into Demon’s Run in a 30 minute Iron Woman match and I walked out the champion. You know what that means, guys? Ryder… and Hawk… you know what it means. That I have achieved something you never will. I am a Triple Crown Champion. I have held the World, United, and Tag Titles. As opposed to your what… nothing at all Ryder? Or Hawk with your Collateral Damage Title run that was as forgettable as you are? No no see… I’m a legend in this business. This company. I am Alexis FUCKING Makarios! The Aussie Firecracker! I break barriers and glass ceilings. I rise to the top even when the odds are stacked against me. And that’s what will happen in that very building Tuesday night on Riot.
(She points to the building behind her.)
Alexis Makarios: Hawk… you infuriate me in so many ways. You walk around here like you own the damn place, acting like you are gods gift to wrestling. Newsflash, you’re not! You’re barely what I would consider a wrestler of any talent. You lucked your way into that title, you got sooooo lucky that you survived the chamber, but your luck ends there. Because you got the shittiest card in the deck when you got booked in this match against me. So try it, bring your antics. Try to be funny. F Y I … you are not funny. At all. You’re pathetic and obnoxious. Like a bug. And I’m gonna squish you with my boot.
(She laughed a bit.)
Alexis Makarios: So you two can try every little trick you know, because it won’t work. I’m on top of my game. I’m in the zone, and don’t think that anything going on outside of that ring can make a difference. You can’t turn any of that against me. Not the adoption, not my upcoming defense, and certainly not the madness with Heather. Who I am not even going to waste my breath speaking about THAT situation. Because I’m focused. I’m on point. And you guys… You just aren’t. And that’s ok. Not everyone can handle being in the ring with someone like me. Nothing to be ashamed of, losing to a legend. At least you’ll have a good story to tell afterwards, right?
(She shrugged a bit with a slight smirk)
Alexis Makarios: So I’ll see you two in that ring… if you’ve got the balls to show. I wouldn’t past you guys to try and get out of it. Hell, that’d be the smart thing to do. Not that you guys ARE smart. But come on, some survival instinct must have evolved in those big as chimp heads of yours. Good luck guys… you’ll need it if you plan to survive. Remember… 2022… is the YEAR OF MAKARIOS!
(With that, she undid the belt and held it up high. The cameras focus in on it and the nameplate with her name on it as the scene fades to black.)
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Post by Devon Ryder on Apr 24, 2022 22:57:21 GMT -5
ACT ONE: SHOOT ME DOWN…
I lost.
*Silence. The thought rings out like a bullet, ripping through the flesh of my subconscious until it reaches terminal velocity. I know this feeling well. The familiar bitter sting, the pain that sends ripples of self-doubt cascading through my psyche in its never-ending wake…I have spent too many hours in this place.*
I lost.
*A beat. It’s louder now; insistent. The gunshot grows into a chorus in my mind, a shrill cacophony of emotional discordance, as millions of voices all my own cry out with righteous anger to chide me for my existence - for my failure. Every waking day that I have wasted, every mistake that I have made throughout my life is used against me in this moment; I am made a slave by my own mind, trapped, forced to endure my every failure and embarrassment again and again in an endless, self-fulfilling cycle of defeat. I am cast adrift; left for dead amidst the dark, uncertain sea of my own anxious thoughts. I flounder. My chest begins to tighten as I thrash myself about, desperately and vainly searching for some kind of life preserver. I struggle to keep my head above the surface…but the undertow is strong. I’m hyperventilating. Stay calm, Devon; these waters are familiar, you have swum this sea before. I should be able to keep myself afloat. I should be above this…yet I find that I can't breathe.*
I…lost?
*Darkness. My vision dims, beset on all sides by a thick, fast-encroaching, choking fog. I try to gasp for breath, but my chest grows tighter; I’m drowning. Suffocating. Crushed beneath the unbearable weight of the harsh and unforgiving truth. The bullet finds its mark.*
I lost…
Tick…tick…tick…
*The clock. It reaches out again, through the grim and choppy waters that engulf me. It is my lifeboat. My anchor. My strongest tether to the sunlight of reality. I have not drowned. I am not adrift. Time is still moving. I am still alive. My fight is not yet over…*
“Devon?”
*Eyes open. Light floods in, blinding, a radiant flash of warmth that - in an INSTANT - boils off the seas and pulls me back to shore. I catapult out of the grasping, hungry darkness which so threatened to consume me and rise on wings of blazing, white-hot love to see the face of God. No…not God. A Goddess. MY Goddess.*
Desiree.
*Suddenly, awareness reignites. Battling against my very will, with the tendrils of existential emptiness still pulling at the heels of my consciousness, I break free of my spiral. Inhaling, the very act of breath making every fibre of my being shriek with a Sisyphean effort, like the rusted cogs of an old machine grinding back to life after decades of disuse, I manage to come back. To myself. To the present. To her.*
“Devon? It’s alright, meu amor, just breathe. I’m here now.”
*Her eyes. My refuge. The first things that I notice - the first things that I always notice. Two deep and calming chocolate pools, two endless rings of love and beauty that I could lose myself within and be blissful for eternity. Her lips - pouty, painted, the colour of a twilight sky - pursed in concern as she surveys me. Her cheeks, set perfectly within a sculptor’s chiselled face; she is the muses given form, my very own Helen of Troy. Finally, her hair, tied loosely in a bun but for a few stray curls which cascade across her forehead and her jawline, framing her perfection for my eyes. My Goddess. My lifeline. My beloved.*
“I-I’m here, Desiree. I’m fine…”
*Her hands. I had not noticed they were holding me, but now it’s all that I can focus on. She clasps my hand in one of hers while the other softly strokes my hair, her silky fingertips brushing over my forehead and sending arcs of electricity skipping through my brain, down my neck. I lean into her touch, and let my other arm embrace her. I needed this. So, SO badly. And I think she knows I did.*
“Thank you.”
*She smiles, and my sky explodes with light. She smiles, and my soul begins to thaw. She smiles…and I feel like myself again. Her forehead now moves to rest against my own, the hand which had been tending to it instead slipping down to trace her comfort along the back of my neck. We linger in this moment; the closeness, the togetherness. I expected no reply, but the silence is my answer; no more need be said. Words cannot express what our hearts already know. She’s saved me, yet again.*
Tick…tick…tick…
*Moments pass. Hours, maybe? Minutes? With meu anjo, a second is eternity. It matters not how long it was, what matters is it passed with her. Eventually, the silence breaks. It has to.*
“I failed, Desiree…”
*She shakes her head, pressing a finger to my lips. Her eyes find mine again, and I can read her candour in them.*
“Shhh. No. No more of that, okay?”
“But…I did. I lost the match, baby. I failed.”
*A frown. The clouds are wrent apart by the lightning of Olympus, cracking violently their righteous fury upon the mortal plain. This is not my demon…this is something greater.*
“Yes, Devon, you lost. But that does not mean you failed. Kallie Reznik pinned you, but she did not beat you, did she? You are still here.”
*A nod. I cannot argue with her - even if I wanted to, I know that she is right. Her truth is written on her face, in the conviction of her words, even in the way her eyes still sparkle when she speaks of me. Desi still believes…but why?*
“Yes, my love, I’m here…but do I really deserve to be? After so many losses…can I really call myself a Hero?”
*Desi does not growl…but she might as well. Her eyes flare like a panther that has spotted its next prey, and I can feel her body tense as she locks her eyes on me. I know it is not I who has drawn her fury, but that little nagging voice inside my mind. That doubt, that anxiety…I would truly hate to be that thing just now. It is not likely to survive this evening.*
“Devon, listen to me. That’s just your depression and anxiety, okay? Fuck those bitches, you know they are not true. What you did out there was wonderful. You did not win tonight, but you looked good in defeat; you clearly made her work for it. And losing this one match does not make you a failure. To lose you need to come up short, but to fail you must stop trying. Are you going to stop trying, Devon? Is Devon Ryder going to give up fighting?”
*I consider her words, and my chest tightens again. Cold spreads throughout my body, the familiar chill…of fear. My answer is already chosen.*
“...No. Never. I need this, Desiree. It is all I’ve ever wanted.”
*I pause, thoughtfully. The cold has dissipated yet again, and the fear evaporates when I lock my eyes with hers.*
“But more than that…I deserve it.”
*Her lips curl into a smirk, and she runs a hand through my hair again.*
“Then earn it, meu amor.”
“I will.”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ACT TWO: EARNING IT
*We open on a shot of Devon Ryder, looking at a television screen which bears news footage from the recent shooting in Atlanta.*
“Disgusting, isn’t it?”
*The camera turns to focus on Ryder, wearing a plain red t-shirt with a white maple leaf on the front and a pair of faded blue jeans. He looks appropriately horrified.*
“We’re barely four full months into this year, and we’ve already seen more than 180 mass shootings exactly like this unfolding across the USA. So much senseless loss, so many lives irreparably altered, and why? Why must this KEEP happening? Atlanta was the most recent, but it will not be the last. And yet…you call me a Canadian supremacist. When I mention these and other failings, you point the finger back at me. ‘But what about the Residential Schools, Devon?’ ‘But what about the violence against women, Devon?’ ‘Canada’s not perfect either, Devon!’”
*He pauses.*
“No. It isn’t. I have been very public about the failings of my own nation, the ways in which we can and WILL improve…but does that really make me wrong? Because my land is stained with blood, I cannot call out yours while it is still actively bleeding? Because I am not without sin, I may not cast stones? Canada is FAR from perfect…but that is not my point. My POINT is that, for all our own flaws - for every shortcoming of the Great, White North - America is worse. For every sin upon our soul, yours is marked by three. And I am not some mere fanatic - there is data to support the claims I make. Case in point: Oxford English Dictionary defines “massacre” as “the indiscriminate and brutal slaughter of people or (less commonly) animals; carnage, butchery, slaughter in numbers”. Using this definition, Canada has suffered a total of 16 massacres or mass killings since its inception as a country. Think about that for a moment. Since Canada was founded as a nation, it has been home to 16 incidents that could be classified as ‘massacres’. The United States? Nearly 100. But if we change the wording slightly, and go from ‘massacre’ to ‘mass shooting’...that number skyrockets. In 2021, the US suffered 689 mass shootings. That’s more than ONE HUNDRED TIMES as many massacres as Canada has suffered in its lifetime!”
*Devon pauses here, to catch his breath and collect himself.*
“Ah, but I know exactly what you’re thinking; ‘but Devon, you’re comparing massacres to mass shootings, clearly they can’t have the same definition!’ And you’re right; they don’t. So what if we adjust our metrics? What if we decide to compare the number of mass shootings in Canada to the number in the United States? I…am truly sorry I have to tell you this.”
*He inhales deeply.*
“Since its inception as a country, excluding acts of war or military conflicts, Canada has suffered a grand total of…19 mass shootings, both in schools and among the general public. Please, allow that to sink in for a moment.”
*A pause.*
“19. Mass. Shootings. Fewer than 20 throughout the entire lifetime of our country…and America had 689 in a single year. Hell, if you remember my opening statements, the data from this year ALONE points to over 180 mass shootings in the United States so far. And out of Canada? Zero. Now, we have had SHOOTINGS this year - indeed, in Toronto they are unfortunately becoming increasingly common. But these are usually single-victim events with either gang-related or personal motivations.”
“And that’s horrible. Make no mistake, ANY loss of human life is an unquestionable tragedy, and my goal is not to compare OUR murders to YOUR murders and act as if one is more acceptable than the other. My goal is simply to open your eyes to the fact that, in America, something is clearly different. Something is clearly WRONG, and that things NEEDS to change! Your COUNTRY needs to change, if it is to survive. But so many of you seem resistant to this idea, you seem to view the United States as some sacred, incontrovertible monolith - a changeless being, fully formed by the doctrines of thy holy Founding Fathers and incapable of any alteration by lesser, mortal minds. But this is a mistake. We ALL must adapt in order to progress, whether we are nations or human beings, we must be open to changing in order to grow and develop into the greatest versions of ourselves! Which brings me to my OWN change, beginning tonight…”
*Devon pauses here, hitting a button on the remote and causing the image to change to a preview for his upcoming match on Riot, a Triple Threat against Mike Hawk and Alexis Makarios.*
“I did not request this match…”
*Devon pauses, shrugging his shoulders.*
“Well, that’s not true. I did, really, though not with these opponents specifically. In truth, I was hoping they’d book me against a couple of Americans - I admit my particular ‘shtick’ wears thin when my opponents live in civilized, first-world countries. Battling American opponents is easier, because if I cannot find fault with them, I can resort to attacking their country. But I admit, this is probably for the best. Because, as I said, I aim to begin to change tonight. If I never step outside my comfort zone of tearing down the USA, of illustrating to American opponents just how easily their quality of life and the international perception of their nation could improve, then I will never grow. Devon Ryder will not flourish. It’s no secret that I’ve been on something of a losing streak, of late - barring one fluke in the Collateral Damage qualifying four-way match two fortnights ago on Riot - and I suspect my moniker of ‘the Canadian Hero’ has taken a bit of a hit as a result. After all, what sort of hero never wins?”
*He pauses, the camera once again moving to focus on Devon rather than the screen. A soft sigh escapes his lips as he turns his gaze downward, bearing an introspective expression.*
“That will change tonight. I said this two weeks ago as well, but tonight, after my loss to Kallie Reznik - a well-earned and hard-fought victory which I do not at all begrudge her - it feels even more poignant. Even more true. Tonight, I am fighting not only to win this match…I am fighting for redemption. To PROVE myself, not only in the eyes of all those watching…but in my own eyes as well. Because some of you may still believe in Devon Ryder. I KNOW my beloved Desiree still believes in Devon Ryder…but I do not believe in Devon Ryder. So tonight, I shall aim to rekindle that belief. I shall prove, once again, that I am worthy of this business. Worthy of the name. I shall prove that Devon Ryder is, and shall forever BE, one of the greatest goddamn professional wrestlers of his generation. And it will be a hard fight to do so. I’m well aware of that. Believe me, I would MUCH prefer to face some slovenly American patriot, a proudly brainwashed pledger of allegiance and drinker of the red-white-and-blue Kool-Aid…but THAT fight would be easy. And easy fights prove nothing.”
*Devon pauses, here.*
“So who am I presented with instead? Let’s run them down.”
*Another pause, and Devon flicks the remote, causing an image of Alexis Makarios - proudly holding her PWS: Apex United Championship belt - to appear on the screen before him.*
“Alexis Makarios. The brand new PWS: Apex United Champion; a title I have tried and failed in the past to capture. You won the belt by taking Cleo Phillips to her limit, by besting her in an easy contender for match of the fucking decade, and you didn’t need to have anybody arrested to do it. I’m jealous. But that jealousy will not be enough to spare you the worst of my assault tonight, Alexis. Because I am on a mission; I need to prove that my success in this company HAS NOT been a fluke, that I DO deserve to be a champion…and what better way is there to do that than by BEATING a champion tonight?”
*Another pause, and Devon’s lips curl into a smirk.*
“You know, Lexi, I’ve paid attention to your career. I know that you deserve that title belt, I know exactly what you’ve suffered through to EARN it…which is why I also know, Lexi, that you should be one of my staunchest defenders. You have experienced the failings of the United States firsthand, ESPECIALLY in their healthcare system. You KNOW how much it cost when you sought VERY necessary treatment to improve your mental health, you know - I HOPE - how anyone outside of your privileged position would be crippled by that burden…and yet, not once have you mentioned it. Never have I heard you even pay the slightest LIP SERVICE to others who are struggling in that same position, or seen you donate time or money to charity services that seek to offer aid. I’m sorry, Lexi, I suppose this all seems pointless - rather irrelevant, even, from the standpoint of our match tonight - but I promise, there’s an endgame. Effectively, it’s this: you seem to see yourself as a hero, Lexi, you’ve cast yourself as the beloved, fan-favourite rising star in the PWS: Apex constellation. So forgive me when I say, I think it’s rather disingenuous. You KNOW how much good you could be doing with your position, don’t you, Lexi? How many little girls look up to you, and want to be just like you when they grow up? But how much have you DONE with that responsibility? You’ve belittled sex workers, ruined one of your oldest friendships by making thoughtless promises…and utterly ignored your own mental health struggles in favour of this brand-new, self-assured, heroic fighting champion. I certainly won’t say that sounds villainous...but do you really think it befits a paragon of this organization? A CHAMPION? You’re somebody who should be a ROLE MODEL, Lexi - who should be leading by example.”
*Devon pauses again, his smirk having taken on a far more arrogant quality throughout his diatribe.*
“Hopefully tonight I can show you what that looks like.”
*Devon pauses again, clicking the remote and changing the image to one of PWS: Apex’s resident angry goofball, Mike Hawk.*
“And speaking of examples, we have my other opponent for this evening. Mike…Hawk.”
*He’s sure to pause quite deliberately between both words, drawing them out as to avoid the obvious joke about the name.*
“A disgrace to the Canadian name. ‘The PRESIDENT of Professional Wrestling’, Michael? President? Really? Was it just to pander to these ethno-centric US audiences who so often fail to grasp anything outside their bubble that you chose such a foolish, idiotic nickname that flies directly in the face of your home and native land? Was it for comedy’s sake that you chose to enter using the theme song of the world’s most-famous symbol of American Exceptionalism? I KNOW you fancy yourself a clown, Mike, I really do…but think about the image you’re projecting. Think about the SYSTEMS you’re helping to reinforce when you’re so uniquely qualified to be the one spearheading the effort to tear them down! You could be MORE than this, Michael; you could be BETTER…but it seems you want to be AMERICAN instead.”
“Now, Michael, I won’t make the same mistake that so many have of underestimating you tonight. For all your antics and bravado, you’re a DAMN good wrestler…problem is, I’m better.”
*He pauses again, thoughtfully.*
“See, I’ve been thinking for a while, Mike - since this match was booked, at least - about exactly what it is that makes you such a threat. How the hell has a character with a thinly-veiled penis joke as his actual fucking ring name managed to be one of the most successful young newcomers on the PWS: Apex scene? I mean, Destination NEXT, fastest-rising star for TWO YEARS in a row, AND most shocking moment as the man who ended the seemingly-unassailable reign of Jonathan Sanders as Collateral Damage Champion? It’s an impressive resume. But for all that you have to your credit, when the chips are REALLY down - in the biggest matches, and the most important moments - you’ve failed to get the job done. You couldn’t beat Sanders one-on-one, so you had to cash in and blindside him. You couldn’t walk out of the Elimination Chamber as champion, so you threw a fit and worked yourself into a shoot. I understand your anger, Michael, really I do…but at the end of the day, have you considered that maybe this is all your fault? I mean that sincerely, but not in a malicious way; I just want you to think about it. It seems to me that you’re self-sabotaging; that you’re USING these jokes and bits of comedy as a screen to hide behind, because you just don’t think you’re good enough without them. I’ve seen it all before, Mike, I KNOW how you must feel; the ones who point and laugh the loudest, who make themselves the clown, are usually the ones who feel the worst inside. But I want you to know, Michael, that I don’t think you’re a joke; I don’t think you NEED your comedy to get over as a fucking great professional wrestler. You HAVE that ability within you…but unfortunately, tonight, you won’t be able to show it. Tonight will not be the moment that everyone recognizes your in-ring abilities…because tonight, you’re facing Devon Ryder. You’re a shining star, Mike Hawk. A beacon lighting the way for the FUTURE of professional wrestling…but Devon Ryder? The CANADIAN! HERO? …Well, I’m a goddamn supernova.”
*He pauses, his lips curling into an arrogant grin once more as he switches off the screen, standing to full height in one swift motion.*
“So I hope you brought your sunscreen.”
*With that, Ryder has finished, and he locks eyes with the camera, grinning intently as the Guess Who’s “American Woman” begins to play him off. The Canadian Hero pivots on his heel and strides out onto the balcony, joining Desiree de La Roche as we fade.*
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