OOC: I have no clue what I did with this one even more so than usual. But I am sick and this was fun if nothing else, so enjoy!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….
Cue The Towering Inferno by John Williams and The Boston Pops Orchestra
Howell Wars
Episode IV
A Few Dopes
Battles rage on in the PWS:Apex Universe as the War to decide who is ultimately in control is well underway though thoroughly misunderstood. There are Riots going on everywhere however, both planned and unplanned. We can only discuss the future Riots that are planned here because the others remained unplanned and therefore we cannot discuss those ahead of time because we won't know what is yet to come.
First you have Queen of the PWS:Apex Universe, Sierra Williams. Sierra is never beaten and if we are being completely honest it doesn't look like she is going to be beaten in this or any other Universe. Sierra is just good and this is why she will probably annihilate the rest of the Universe for many generations moving forward since it would seem going backwards. Also battling on this Riot is Lt. Heather Haze, who is taking on a bunch of storm troopers, but it is a bunch of storm troopers, six to be exact. Rumor has it that this is not the first time that Lt. Haze has been on the short end of a six on one event, though we're not sure if she was coming or going at the time.
Then we have the evil empire, headed up by Captain Mike Hawk, though no one really cares what is happening from that sweat from a baboon's balls anyway?
Sweat from a baboon’s balls? Seriously, I can’t take this anymore. I am a valuable narrator, not someone who stoops so low as childish behavior and I am going to the bottom of this because I believe I know who wrote the script.
DYLAN!!!
Dylan: “Yes Mr. Morgan Freeman, why are you yelling at me now?”
Narrator: “I don’t know Dylan, why would I make an unprofessional ass out of myself by referring to Heather Haze with crude sexual undertones or directly calling Mike Hawk the sweat from a baboo…yeah I am not going to repeat that again! Also, for who knows how many times, I am not Mr. Morgan Freeman damn it. For God’s sake Dylan, I am a short hispanic, I look like Gabriel Iglesias!”
Will: “He does have a point Dylan dude, he does like Gabriel Iglesias dude.”
Fred: “Can’t argue with that, dude.”
Narrator: “Oh shit Dylan, you are thinking, why are you thinking?”
Dylan: “Alright then guys, I am going to make it official, Mr. Morgan Freeman will now forever be known as Mr. Gabriel Iglesias!”
Narrator: “I am not Gabriel Iglesias either!”
Dylan: “Prove it.”
Will: “I still stand by what I said, whether you like it or not, you totally look like Fluffy dude.”
Fred: “It’s true dude, don’t try to deny it.”
Narrator: “I swear to Baby Jesus that if you two do not stop encouraging him…”
Will: “Fine, dude. We will behave, I promise.”
Narrator: “Thank you. Now Dylan, what kind of a thing is prove it to say when someone tells you that the name you have been calling them is not actually their name? Don’t you think that I would know my own name and what that is?”
Dylan: “Fair, but we have never talked about what name is. If you are going to continue working with me, I am going to need to know what your name is.”
Narrator: “Dylan, that is no…you know what, if you can answer my questions and the three of you can behave like adults I will tell you what my real name is since that is a really fair statement.”
Dylan: “YES! And until then we can call you Mr. Gabriel Iglesias?”
Narrator: “Sure, fine, whatever. So look, are you guys going to quit embarrassing me by making me say ridiculous things about your fellow competitors in PWS:Apex like Mike Hawk is the sweat from a baboo…yeah you know what I said.”
Fred: “You said it twice, dude.”
Narrator: “And once again Fredrick, you’re not helping.”
Dylan: “Normally, I feel bad a little bad for you because you take a lot of shit from the rest of us Mr. Gabriel Iglesias. But, I have to say in this instance Mike Hawk is just like the sweat from a baboon’s balls.”
Will: “I do have to agree with the far superior intellect that our genius friend Dylan is showing Mr. Gabriel Iglesias. Mike Hawk is only the saltiest of a baboon’s balls dude.”
Fred: “Totally salty, dude.”
Narrator: “That may be, however, when I say thighs like that and I don’t even know that they are coming? That really embarrasses me, especially in front of all of the other narrators. So can we just not do that?”
Dylan: “Fine, but only if you promise to read the rest of the opening crawl then, Mr. Gabriel Iglesias.”
Narrator: “Very well, where was I?
Oh yes, there are many battles being assembled as the Riot grew closer for this week. One would have to wonder then what exactly has happened to one Dylan Elosius Howell who has been off on vacation for quite some time.
Did he have a match that he was preparing for against Queen of the Universe Sierra Williams?
No, you have to EARN a match like that, and as exciting as a contest between the two would be, Dylan is not even close to earning such a contest at this point.
And what about the man who has been a remarkable part of the discussion, (which was very odd) Mike Hawk?
Rest assured, that will happen one day if Dylan does get his way but the time is not right for that currently either.
Rather for the first time in a while, Dylan does have a match however and it will certainly be an exhilarating one as Dylan will be taking on not one, not two, but three other members of the PWS:Apex Universe. This what is commonly called a fatal four way in wrestling and in Dawn Warren, Aiden Reynolds, and Malachi we have three other competitors that Dylan has never faced before.
With all of this excitement heading into Riot you would think that a hard nosed competitor such Dylan would be learning about each of his opponents before the final battle. However, Dylan doesn’t prepare for an opponent like most wrestlers because Dylan is not like other wrestlers so what do we in fact think that he is doing to become prepared for this contest?
Well, if you would guess that Dylan and his two new best friends Will S. Reston, Esquire and Fred Fredrick Hogan were staking out the locker room of fellow PWS:Apex competitor Richard Rider, which would make no sense to ich makes no sense to anybody but Dylan, including me. Yet, when Rider walks out that is exactly where the whole gang is, surprising Rider who looks suddenly ready to fight.
Richard Rider: "Howell!? Howell's friends!? Howell's narrator. What in the hell is going on here? Did you not have enough of me when we faced each other the first time, because if you would like some more, I can more than oblige."
Dylan: "Just relax Dickie, everything is going to be just fine."
Richard Rider: "My name is Richard, thanks."
Will: "I do hate side with the enemy here Dylan, but I did tell you that I thought that this would be an awful idea dude."
Fred: "It is totally bogus dude, we are just saying."
Dylan: "This is not totally bogus you guys. You just need to trust me."
Narrator: "Actually that brings up a really good point, what are we doing here?"
Richard Rider: "I was wondering the same thing."
Dylan: "I just wanted to come and tell you good luck when you take on Madison Carpenter a little later on tonight Dickie, that's all."
Richard Rider: "Again, it's Richard and you do?"
Narrator: "He has a big problem with names."
Richard Rider: "I can see that. Why do you care about what happens during my match with Madison Carpenter later on?"
Dylan: "Because Destiny happens Memorial Day weekend in Hawaii and I want a HUGE match, rematch with you. So if you do well against Madison Carpenter, I am able to defeat those other three people in my match tonight after that…."
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Narrator: "Three people you have not even learned the first thing about…"
Dylan: "....we can then tell the higher ups the match we want for Destiny and I think they will be forced to listen. It's amazing!"
Narrator: (To Will) "Start singing again and I might slit your throat."
Will: "Ok dude."
Richard Rider: "So let me get this straight Howell, you think if we both win tonight then we will be booked for a rematch at Destiny and that is what you want?"
Dylan: "Yes! After our first match, BIG MONEY MATCH!"
Richard Rider: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (Walks away still laughing)
Dylan: (To his entourage) "I think th second at went well!"
Desperately Seeking Dick Rider
*On Camera*
To tell you the truth, I never thought that this was actually going to happen, but now that it is? Being really excited doesn't even begin cover at right now. Although I have been wrestling here for some time now, this is actually the first opportunity I have had to speak to the PWS:Apex fans. Beyond that though, I, Dylan Eloisius Howell have been a professional wrestler for almost 20 years! Think about that for just a second what have you done in your life that you have done for almost 20 years? Other than putting your winky in your old ladies kitchen sink if you have been together for that long.
Me? I haven't been with any of my old ladies for close to 20 years and the includes the one that I was married to. I have been all over the map as a professional wrestler though. I have been to the mountain top and I have all the way down on the very bottom of the barrel also. That has been true in life as well, as I have been a mental patient who was trying to break free, (yes, I married a title belt once) and I was married to my best friend and we were the world tag team Champions if you can believe that. Beyond that I have been everything imaginable and everything in between.
I have found out a lot about wrestling and life both but I figure since PWS:Apex is a wrestling promotion and one that I am proud to work for currently? I have decided that I will talk about wrestling here to all of you and life? I will just let that take care of the best and hope that we can just make life fun together.
So with all things being created equal, I have learned a few things about wrestling but here is what I am certain of more than anything else: In wrestling more than anything else you want to win championships, if you are good that is. But in order to do that, you need to work your way up. Unless you go by the idea that you either it's who you know or who you blow, but more on that later, much later.
That is exactly what I am trying to do here in PWS:Apex, work my way up, because I don't know much of anyone anymore and there is almost nobody that I want to blow anymore either. Unless you want to count Sam, but I can't find Sam any longer. If you can find Sam, please let me know. Since I have been trying to work my way up in this promotion, one person that I have become very familiar with is one Richard Rider. Richard and I, we had a very explosive match up with the two of us finally decided to battle to a draw. It was an amazing experience, and one that I would definitely like to do again. Where would I like to do it again you ask? Well after giving this a lot of thought because I like to think even though others swear that we are better off when I don't, I have decided that our rematch should take place at the pay per view known as Destiny on Memorial Day weekend in Hawaii. So yes, if you want to put it another way, I am calling you out ole Dickity Do Dah and I am asking you for another match, just the two of us Dickie, pretty please?
Ok, so full disclosure here, Dickie already knows about my desire to face him again at Destiny. Will that match actually happen? I can't say for sure, but I feel like if Big Dick wins his match against Madison Carperter on Riot on the same night that I win the fourway between Dawn, Aiden, Malachi and myself well then I feel as though we should have a pretty good chance of making our rematch happen at the end of the day. But you say to yourself thinking about this proposal carefully, "Dylan, what makes you think that you are going to be successful in the fourway?" Well, let me tell you....
You know I actually have no idea why I would think that I would be successful in such an undertaking. I mean other than the fact that Dawn Warren has all of the personailty of canned spam and doesn't even wrestle as well. Then you have Aiden Reynolds who the best thing I can say about him is "mouth breather." Don't believe me? Fine but I swear that it is true. Then there is Malachi who is great, and could be greater if he wasn't trying to hang on to some tag titles to make his old lady happy. Trust me, I've done the same thing!
Just kidding, their all great and it should be a hell of a match, but I will win in the end and why?
Because I have a date with Dick Rider, it is my Destiny!